Friday, March 14, 2008
It's 1:45 am and I can't sleep. Sometimes I have strange dreams- not scary, just strange. And they linger. Woke up half an hour ago thinking about ALL the decisions that I need to make soon... I heard a talk once about the difficulty of the early morning hours. She said if you visualize grace and will as 2 separate faucets that both need to be turned on at the same time; those first hours (or all the night hours, I might add) are difficult because, although the faucet of grace is still on full, the faucet of my own will is not. We have to make a conscious effort to engage our will at these times when we feel weak.
I had a strange dream before my surgery - it was not a nightmare, although it did have an element of fear to it. I was driving my car near a freeway overpass; on the side of the road was a little boy running as fast as he could. I pulled my car over and caught up with him and asked him what was wrong, running beside him. He said he was being chased by a monster and was scared. I felt so much compassion for him- I said, well then, we will run together. As soon as I grabbed his little hand, I could feel the wrath of the monster (I could never see the monster, it was always just out of sight but I could feel it's presence) blazing up against me as well. I was scared, but I was also so happy to be here with this little boy that the fear was secondary. It was actually a calming dream, and I woke from it strangely comforted.
Had another dream that Scott and Kimberly Hahn visited me in the hosital and brought me a huge box of cabbages, because "cancer hates cabbage!"
I hope you all wake refreshed and at peace, and I will pray right now for all of you in your own struggles. God bless!