At The End Of All Things

Yesterday was a very difficult day- I finally decided to shave my head and be done with it. I thought I would be fine, but in the moment it was very hard and all my defenses failed me. Charity, mom and I were in the backyard and Charity was a rock, just cutting my hair through her own tears. The night before I couldn't sleep because my scalp hurt so badly; I was down to about 1/3 of my hair. Every shower was traumatic because it would just keep falling and sticking to my body and the walls- it was really horrible. What was left was not worth keeping- thin and pale and weak; every morning the first thing I would wake to was the sight of more hair on my pillow, a reminder of the reality of the situation. I had planned to make the haircut into a funny thing; we were going to cut it into a mohawk and then take pictures. But the plans all kind of fell apart.

When we were done cutting I put my scarf back on and went to the adoration chapel and just prayed without even being able to form any words in my heart; the emotions that were raging really had nothing to do at all with hair or even cancer- I found myself having to ask for the grace to forgive old wounds and disappointments from years ago. I was surprised at the things that were rising to the surface; things I thought were long healed and gone. When I got home I sent out some emails with tears still splashing all over my computer. And of course within 10 minutes people were calling and sending me their love and support.

I had two email that I wanted to share, from Kasia and Fr. Chad; very different letters but both very truthful and comforting. I hope they don't mind my posting them here.


My dear Faith,
I don't have any words of wisdom, but all I can think of is that God comes to
us through the tangible, earthy matter. He spit in the blind man's eye,
I'm sure that wasn't fun. He's somewhere in the hair.

Also, if you have a bible with gold-edged pages, don't cry all over it.
I dropped a tear on the gold edge of mine many years ago, and it smudged
the gold and left a big stain. Actually, I think it was a drop from my
running nose...

Love you,
Kasia



Dear Faith,

I wanted to begin this email –an email written by a balding 33 year old priest- saying that hair is way overrated. Besides the fact that you get your hair back next year and I continue to recede. After reading your email and the tears that you shed while writing it, I second guessed this approach however. I think a more serious note is needed.

Suffering always unnerves us and makes us feel exposed. It runs our strength into the ground and humiliates our forethought resilience. Suddenly every turn hits with unexpected power. Tears more than laughs begin to prevail. Anger bursts out of us like the onslaught of a broken dam, sweeping us away in a torrent of emotions.

It’s hard to handle but not impossible –with Christ. You did the right thing, you turned to Christ as the only resort capable of restoring serenity. This is what we must do over and over again in our life. The more you do this, the closer our Lord will be to you and the more your heart will be completely his. This is a priceless gift that Jesus offers to you right now. Surrender your heart, trust in him and he will act. Psalm 37.

Rest assured of my prayers.

Yours in Christ,

Fr. Chad



Kasia's talk about tear stains on her bible reminded me of my own experience a few years ago. I was crying over something very different back then and I was alone in the chapel at St HIllary's. So I went up and rested my forehead against the tabernacle and cried; the salt from my tears dripped on the metal of the tabernacle and stained it. When I am alone in that chapel I sometimes go and check- there is still a mark where my tears fell. It's always so strangely comforting to see it there.

Love, Faith

Don't Know A Good Thing When They See It

Dang birds! They don't know a good thing when they see it. Just yesterday I saw a little brown bird desperately pulling at a dry tuft of brown grass, (presumably to build her nest with) while just two feet away was a big clump of highest quality hair, just free for the taking! This stuff would keep the nest cool in summer, warm in the winter, is water- resistant and strong but lightweight...the list goes on and on.

In an attempt to increase the visibility of my proferred hair, I have hung it inconspicuously on a few rusty nails on the backyard fence (oh, come on- it's not that gross!). If you didn't know better, you might think this was some sort of voodoo thing going on with little hair bunches on the fence and a statue of the Virgin Mary in the corner. But it's perfectly innocent and above board, I assure you. And if the birds don't take my hair in the next few days, I'll just throw it in the trash, mom- I promise. It really would bring me such a thrill to have the birds take it! It would be so "circle of life"-ish.

I suspect it's just too late in the season and all the nests are already built; or perhaps they don't like my shampoo? My dad suggested they might only like blondes, whereas my mom came up with the most likely suggestion- the birds are afraid that if they use my hair in their nests, it will make their feathers fall out.

Lookin' Good!

Yesterday I was taking a walk by myself in the evening. It was very warm but I didn't have any summer sandals down here with me so I was wearing my clunky black Mary Janes with white gym socks. I had on my comfortable khaki pants that are a little too short in the leg, and a blue and white flowered headscarf and a brown tee shirt. (It's hard to motivate yourself to try to look good when you are a female with male- pattern baldness). So I was walking down Magnolia after having rented a movie, and these teenage boys in a fancy black Acura drove by and started whistling at me. I was so mad- I wanted to throw a rock at them! And I was right in front of the police station, too. I know they didn't mean any harm, but I felt like crying! So I said a prayer in my head- "God bless those little rat dumbshits..." and I felt better.

So I guess my prayers were answered.

Hair is Falling

Well, I take back what I said about it not being so weird to have your hair falling out. It IS weird, very weird. In fact, it has probably been the most unsettling part of this whole cancer thing thus far. For the last 2 days I have been wearing a scarf over my head even though I still have plenty of hair; I am trying to become accustomed myself (and give others a chance) to get used to seeing me in the scarf and head covers. Yesterday I went to the grocery store and the guy behind me in line was just STARING; Charity said he was thinking "does that girl know that she looks like a chemo patient with that scarf on her head?". But this morning I really noticed that the hair around my face and especially at my temples is coming out and it looks very odd. Also the color of my skin around my eyes is changing; it's starting to turn sort of dark so I REALLY am beginning to look like a chemo patient. Vanity sure takes a blow, though...it is strange because the changes are subtle, but unmistakable. Oh, well. It won't be forever.

A former teacher of Charity's (a drama teacher at the Community College; Carla Zilbersmith) has just been diagnosed with ALS. There is no cure and few treatments; you eventually need to be put on a respirator. She has a 14 year old son. Please pray for her; especially that she would be protected through the times of fear that no one can walk with you; that she be protected from despair; and above all that she feel God's presence with her in an unmistakable and powerful way. Her picture is at the top.

Last Saturday I was very stressed- unusually so. Worried about the little things, the big things, and all the things in between. How was I going to be able to return to work full- time while still anemic and immune- compromised? How was I going to have the energy next year for a larger class? And the bigger things- what is to become of my life now? What is to become of all my dreams? Where am I going? Will the cancer come back- will it come back someplace worse?

I was at mass in the morning and stayed an hour later just praying my rosary in the quiet of the near- empty church trying to regain some perspective and peace. Later on that day I received an email from Christina which spoke to my fears directly- I believe it was the notes from the homily at her church (* I have since found out that they are actually notes from a Christian pastor and his wife from Texas...). I was especially touched because the letter uses the term "out of nothing" several times, which translates to "ex nihilo"! So here is the love note I received...

Something Out of Nothing
Today's Scripture

“The earth was formless and void…and God said, Let there be light.” (Genesis 1:2-3).

Today's Word from Joel and Victoria

Are you believing God for something today that seems impossible? We serve a great and mighty God. and He can create something out of nothing. He can make a way when there seems to be no way! Genesis tells us that in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. But before He spoke the world into existence, it was formless and void. If God can make the world out of nothing, He can take the empty places in your life and create something beautiful, too! He can speak light into your darkest hour. He can take your formless dreams and give them shape. He can resurrect your dormant gifts and talents! He can make your crooked places straight! Remember, you are created in the image of almighty God. There’s power in your words, and there’s power when you’re in agreement with Him. Start saying what God says about your situation. Speak life to your broken dreams, today. Stay in an attitude of faith and expectancy. As you do, God will take you places that you’ve never dreamed, and you’ll live in victory all the days of your life!

A Prayer for Today

Father in heaven, I trust that You are willing and able to make a way where there seems to be no way in my life. Fill me with Your peace and faith and give me a vision for all You have for me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.

Cycle 2, Day 3

Well, when I'm in the house I have my hair pulled back with a clip and two little ponytails to keep it from falling out all over the rugs and my clothing (the hairstyle is a little childish and stupid, but then again, so's cancer.). This morning I chanced a shampoo (the first one since it started falling out on Monday) and sure enough, that REALLY causes some fallout. It doesn't look thin as compared to the rest of the world, but boy does it feel thin to me.

Every morning I take out my ponytails, put on a big bathrobe and go outside to brush all the loose hair out, then I shake out my bathrobe before going back inside. In middle school, my sister had a paper route; every day she would prepare her papers for delivery on the front porch but was frustrated because she felt like she was always missing string. The mystery was solved in the fall when we found adandoned birds nests in the backyard made almost entirely out of her newspaper string. i hope they're taking all my hair and making good use of it.

As weird as it is to have my hair falling out, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Nothing has been as bad as I would've imagined it to be, really. I recovered from the surgery quickly, I have had only the most predictable of side effects (fatigue, headaches, weakness, mild nausea and cramping) but nothing severe. It's really the anticipation that has been the worst part.

By the way, every evening I drink a huge mug of steaming... prune juice! That's right! And it's really good. Full of vitamins and minerals, don't know where this stuff has been all my life. It has long been associated with grumpy, backed- up elderly people, but I feel it is time that prune juice got a make- over. I plan to make prune juice cool, just as soon as I can make myself cool and then prune juice by association.

Wish me luck.

Love, Faith

*addendum to last post

Getting ready for mass this morning- ran some water through my hair with my hands and my hands came up FULL of hair... so it's exactly day 15, right on schedule. I feel like I should shave it off rather than have it falling out everywhere, but I can't quite bring myself to do it... I'm looking down now and seeing that it's all over my sweater. Gross. My doctor said I should just get it over with and shave it, because when it falls out, it's "gonna be worse than a cat..."

Maybe I can get my sister to shave crop circles on my head.