As of Monday, I am finished with chemotherapy. I should be elated and there is a part of me that is, but there is also much anxiety. Now I have to face the future again with all its pitfalls and unknowns. As difficult as the last 4 months have been, there was a very sweet, comforting knowledge that I was exactly where God wanted me, doing what he wanted me to do... Nothing to discern or question. I'm glad to be going back to the world, but I think that I will look back on this time and miss it, strange as that may sound.
In 2 weeks I'll meet with the oncologist to discuss the next plan of action. I will be on Tamoxifen for the next 5 years, as well as a new clinical trial drug that I will receive by infusion every 6 months for 4 years. And for awhile I will have scans every 3 months, then every 6... I've been crying a lot the last few days as a side effect of the hormone deficiency, but it's also the relief of having chemo over and not having to be so strong anymore, fear of the future, gratitude... You name it, I'm feeling it. So many thoughts going around in my head, I guess why I've used so many ellipses in this post, it's easier than finishing off a sentence. OKay, enough for now...
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7 comments:
Faith-
How wonderful that this huge part of your treatment has been completed!
As a teacher, perhaps you'll see that you are having a hard time with transitions--as some kids do. Perfectly normal.
I don't know how old you are, but I was having a lot of free-floating anxiety about everything as well as my MS, and my Dr. put me on an anti-anxiety med, Lexapro, and it has done wonders to keep me more even and balanced emotionally (with the OCCASSIONAL blues). I'm sure there's an Rx that can help if you find anxiety a continuing problem.
And as you know, whatever happens you are always in God's hands.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift. That’s why we call it the present. There's a God one, too but I can't remember it.
Congratulations on getting through it. You're stronger than you ever were before. Soon it will be a fuzzy memory. That is my prayer for you as well as my own experience.
I pray God continues to give you strength in this next chapter of your treatment. He has truly been with you these past months. You are so strong.
I know God will take good care of you, no matter what and however you may be feeling at any one given time.
Sorry I've been out of touch the last week or so. You've been much in my prayers, especially knowing what this transition means to you.
One of my greatest fears is facing the unknown -- even if it's something I've done before, each time I start something new it's a new fear, and it feels like a swirling black abyss of uncertainty. Stepping forward into that abyss takes all the courage and, more importantly, all the faith that I have. But once I take that step, I find that the reality is much smaller than my fears, and God's grace much greater than I had dared to hope.
I am confident that you are still exactly where God is calling you to be, and that these next days and months and years will show you more and more clearly the path He is laying before you. He is faithful. And, praise God, you are faithful too. This is a combination that leads only to peace and joy and the deepest of loves. Take courage, and do not fear.
I'll call you soon. Or you can call me, when it's a good time for you. Meanwhile, prayers.
We hope you're making a speedy recovery. We've gone to some of the "Mafia" games/dinners last year. We hope you're having a good visit to Poland!
I just realized that you're not in Poland. Hopefully you're taking it easy this month!
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