I had such a beautiful time in the chapel tonight and had such a beautiful response to prayer that I almost didn't want to share it; it could so easily be misinterpreted, mocked.. Will I seem desperate? A fool? Perhaps. Maybe even arrogant? But I decided to risk it and plaster my silly little heart across the world wide web.
I was praying, not for the first time about how much it sometimes hurts that I have not found someone who loves me for who I am, wants me unconditionally, even the faults... About how anxious I am at facing the fears of a future alone, the grief of loving someone that cannot return that love. " What can the future possibly hold for me?
But this time I felt a stirring in my heart that made me so ashamed; I felt HIs sorrow, his hopes . " How I LONG to be loved by you that way! How I THIRST to be loved, it is a burning inside me! To be loved not for my power or resources or for what I can give but for myself... You think your desire hurts you? Your capacity for desire is nothing- what have I not done to earn your heart? What have I not given? Scorn, ridicule, rejection- i have borne it all for love! I desire it so deeply that I would become the FOOD YOU EAT just to be one with you! I AM that love that you seek! Seek me!
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9 comments:
Faith,
What a generous sharing and a gift you have received! Tuck it into the deep recesses of your heart and soul and shine on..what an illumination.
His love has touched you in a way that you will never forget.
Your blog caught my attention as my daughter's friend from high school is just now starting the same journey with her health you are embarking on. She too is 26. She is not able to pray and is a lost Catholic so seeing your sharing gave me such a hope. I am humbled and hopeful again reading your note, Thanks Lynne
All I can say is, "Amen, Lord."
Ruth
When God talks to me like that, I pretend I was just playing hard to get! "Excuse me, were you looking at me?!"
God then chuckles.
On a serious note, this was beautiful. Even though I know God wants to be our first love, I just have to believe in my hearts of heart He also realizes how us single girls long to be loved by a man in that special way. I just have to believe God is rooting for us to meet our One. Orchestrating the whole thing in such a romantic way. And, I just have to believe when we do meet our One, we will continue to place God as number one because God is the most romantic matchmaker ever. Worthy of every single praise.
We will meet our One, Faith. I just know it. Then we will throw a big party and dance, dance, dance because we waited A LONG, LONG TIME for our romantic love story to play out in that special way.
God loves each of us uniquely, in exactly the way that is best and most appropriate for you, or me, to receive his love. And he asks the same of each one of us, that we love him in that unique way that only you, or I, can -- because that is the gift he has given to each of us, to be able to love in a way that no one else can.
And he sends us to each other with the same mission: to love in a way that only we can, so that those who need just that kind of love can receive it, and know that God has loved them through us.
So, first off, I want to remind you that I (and many others) do indeed love you exactly for who you are, including your (few) faults. You will never lack friends and family who love you unconditionally.
But I also know that's not what you fear. And I would say that you're right to see God's desire for you in your desire for a husband. In this way, God is letting you see how your unique love reflects his unique love. You even share a little in Our Lord's passion, in his sorrow over his bride Jerusalem.
Yet, if this is your passion, your Good Friday or Holy Saturday, then you can remember that Easter is coming. It may or may not take the form you expect: but it will be a fulness of life like you have never known.
I'm trying to encourage myself in this as much as I'm trying to encourage you. Here's another way you're not alone: others, too, ask, "What can the future possibly hold for me?" And we each find our answer in the infinite love of God, and in his desire for our love for him.
P.S. There's good reason to love your faults. How else could we poke fun at you?
Thanks for sharing that paypee. Love ya,
Hoper
Wow, Faith... That was a beautiful reflection. I think every soul constantly searches for it's perfect Love. Sometimes it can take a lifetime of searching to discover that He's been there all along. He's the only one that could ever fulfill us perfectly.
Thank you for sharing Faith, that really spoke deeply to me too... Even when you marry someone, your heart still longs for more... only Jesus can completely fill our hearts, and only by loving Him more and more will we be begin to be truly happy until we are in heaven...
Binkers you have taken a courageous move in laying out your heartfelt desires on the Internet blog. I feel helpless to assist you on your journey to the Golden Valley (C.S.Lewis) of your hope, but there is a space in my heart that will join you spiritually.
Fantasy vs. Reality may not be the choice as the love of God may seem a fantasy, but may be more real, more lasting, than any material reality.
Love you Binkers, Chubs
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