Show Biz

The fashion show went well, which in my frame of reference means I didn't slip and fall on my arse from wearing high heels that were twice the height I'm accustomed to. My runway partner, who is still one spunky lady in my book, chickened out and had them alter her neckline from plunging to merely suggestive. There is something very bonding about working together with 30 other women who have all had breast cancer; we spent our free time trading plastic surgeons names and showing each other our surgical scars. It's fun to be a woman, only women can bond like this.

I'm not sure how many were in the audience, but I thought someone said 500. That doesn't seem possible from the size of the room and the number of tables, I would've guessed more around 250 or 300.

I currently don't have any pictures of the fashion show, so I will give you a picture of me bald with my good friend Br. Robert (of Ad Saeculum fame) who shaved his head when I shaved mine. The photo was taken by Harris at one of the last chemo sessions. What would I do without the friends and family who stood by me so faithfully?

Career Change...

For the last few weekends I have been driving down to Marin every Friday evening for rehearsals. I am taking part in a breast cancer fundraiser fashion show that uses as models women who are survivors of breast cancer; all ages, all body types, all stages of treatment. Some of us are bald, some are stubbly, some are years out of treatment and have a full growth of hair.

I am in 3 scenes, one of which is the leather scene. Now this is not as bad as it sounds, were just talking jackets, boots, skirts, etc. My runway partner is a very spunky lady in her 60's or so. She was musing to herself "I wonder if I'll be wearing a spiked collar..." I told her no, these were just conservative, contemporary leather clothes. I asked her would she really have signed up if she thought she's be modeling a spiked collar to which her answer was an emphatic "yes! When else am I gonna get the chance?"
We had our fittings this week and by the time I got there for my appointment, she was already gone so I didn't get to see the outfit that had put together for her. When I asked about it, they said she had helped compose her ensemble and was very happy with it, calling it "equestrian slut". So as it stands we will be walking down the runway together on Saturday, the slut and the vamp.

Pictures to come after performance.

Rites

From the adoration chapel I could hear the music from the Syro Malabar rite mass happening in the church. The language sounded so foreign to my ears; not just foreign words but even the individual sounds and the cadence that made up the words were totally different than our language. I just listened, an unseen and uncomprehending spectator and let thought slip away as it did me no good. Then I picked out one word from the music- Hosanna.

Over and over, Hosanna, hosanna, hosanna.

That's what's so mysterious about the mass- we don't have to understand to participate.

Monica Update

For those of you praying for Monica but not keeping tabs on her website (link on the right- Sol and Monica) she just got wonderful news from her latest CT scan! She has a very rare and serious type of cancer that did not respond well to the first round of chemo, when they checked her 3 months after chemo they found growths in her lungs and I think a few other places. BUt they started her on a new chemo for the last few months, and her latest results say the large tumors have shrunk to about 1/2 the size, and the small ones aren't even showing up anymore! So she will continue this chemo for awhile. THANK YOU for your continued prayers for her and her family.

What To Do...

What should I do about that bothersome photo of me on here? I don't look at all like that anymore. I think I keep it there because I feel better when I look at it, but it's also depressing and keeps me from moving on and accepting that that girl with the long hair is gone for awhile. I miss having long hair, I didn't properly appreciate it then. And now I still have a hard time relating to that stranger in the mirror with her ultra modern haircut and pale eyebrows. Who is she? Did she mean to cut her hair that short, or did she just sit up too tall in the barber chair? And although everyone tells me it is growing back fast, it seems so SLOW.

Shouldn't a brush with death have cured me of all this vanity? Apparently not.

A Bit Of A Long Shot

It's great to have friends that believe in you, Isn't it?
Trisha is always on the lookout for people to set me up with, but sometimes she outdoes herself.

"Okay, Faith, who do you like better, Matt Maher or Eduardo Verastegui?" questioned Trish.

"What? How are you going to set me up with them? I mean really, Eduardo's got bodyguards!" I sputtered in reply.

"No, we could do it, we have friends with connections. I know someone who knows Matt's publicist, and someone else who is friends with Eduardo's former roomate. So you just have to decide who you like better, you can have your pick of the three."

"Three? Who's the third?"

"You could also have the roommate."

Fantasy vs. Reality

I had such a beautiful time in the chapel tonight and had such a beautiful response to prayer that I almost didn't want to share it; it could so easily be misinterpreted, mocked.. Will I seem desperate? A fool? Perhaps. Maybe even arrogant? But I decided to risk it and plaster my silly little heart across the world wide web.

I was praying, not for the first time about how much it sometimes hurts that I have not found someone who loves me for who I am, wants me unconditionally, even the faults... About how anxious I am at facing the fears of a future alone, the grief of loving someone that cannot return that love. " What can the future possibly hold for me?

But this time I felt a stirring in my heart that made me so ashamed; I felt HIs sorrow, his hopes . " How I LONG to be loved by you that way! How I THIRST to be loved, it is a burning inside me! To be loved not for my power or resources or for what I can give but for myself... You think your desire hurts you? Your capacity for desire is nothing- what have I not done to earn your heart? What have I not given? Scorn, ridicule, rejection- i have borne it all for love! I desire it so deeply that I would become the FOOD YOU EAT just to be one with you! I AM that love that you seek! Seek me!